"But beyond the time and the labor, fewer people understand the support behind every medical student or resident physician. For many, medicine is not an individual goal; it is a collective dream—nourished by fathers and mothers way before medical school. Nobody survives medical school or residency training without moral and financial support."
I was watching my patient as she struggled for her life. Me, poker-faced, by her bedside monitoring her vital signs, making sure that even if they were not normal, they were at least NEAR normal and stable. Her relatives look at me in return-trying the least bit to know if by my assessment their mother (my patient) would be alright. Reassurance was all they needed but all they see is apathetic me. Then as the hours went by, I began to wonder, do they see me as someone who just plays with her pocket PC to while away the time till the next monitoring? Someone who just occasionally glances at their mother? Someone who does not even care for the patient? Yes, they might have seen me as such. I don’t really blame them, nor do I blame anyone or anything for that matter. Furthermore, I don’t even plan on changing.
You see, doctors deal with different kinds of patients everyday- from those with minor problems to those whom are, shall we say, on “the road of no return”. And you are tasked to manage each patient to the best of your ability. “Good patient care” but without much attachment. With too much attachment especially with those whom supportive care is all that you can do, by the time they die, you’d feel sad. Sometimes it would be a big blow that could leave you off balance. I have experienced it, not only once, with my favorite patients. You can’t help it sometimes because you are human after all.
But after these, I did realize that becoming a doctor is not a question of how intelligent but of how resilient you are. Not only are you accountable to your patient but also to other doctors – the “seniors” as you might call them. Plus, you have the issue of morality to constantly struggle with. With the constant attack to your person – mentally, physically, and emotionally, I have asked myself more than once if becoming a doctor is really worth all the blows that you receive. Then, I see my patient “conscious, coherent, and not in cardiorespiratory distress” and I say “Yes. You, my patient, are worth all this trouble”. Doctors do care. Maybe just not in the way that other people might want them to.
The last time that I’ve wrote my thoughts down was in high school. I’ve kept journals since I was 7 yrs. old (and thus the plurality of it). Having a journal has kept me grounded. Seeing your thoughts on paper makes everything concrete and (in terms of problems) conquerable. I’ve come to a point in my life right now that major changes are taking place. I’m an intern now. I’m one step up the ladder. In a new environment and in a new role, I’ve found myself lost again. Yes, I hate change yet it is the only thing that is constant in this world. And as I read my friends "escapades" in their own new environments, I ask myself if I made the right choice? I could have made my life a lot easier by making a different choice of hospital. I weighed my options then and this choice I made seemed the best. But is it? I know many would say that I still do have an option to change hospitals but as my friend, Che, puts it, I’ve prayed for what He wants for me and this is it. I may not like it at the moment but the only thing I can do is take one day at a time. Heck, it is just my first week. And with all that has happened this past week, I’m quite glad that each morning is a clean slate–with still no mistakes in it. I’ll see what happens in a month or so. Guess, by then, I would have saved P 1,500 already.
